Cardinal Woodshed will now skip his third and final woodshed of the Season.

It’s Crunch Time, gentleman.  By the time a few of you read this the trade deadline will probably have passed. You will no longer be able to piss away stud receivers for Fanball’s DUMP of the WEEK. Hoorah.  Things are definitely heating up around the league.

Eaton Carpet eked out a two point victory over last year’s 1st loser, Assault with a Comfortable Weapon, dropping the erstwhile contender to 3-6.  Eaton, propped up by their midseason-changing-of-the-icon superstition had this to say, “Don’t bring a Limp Wrist to a Slap Fight.”

Speaking of Slap Fights, The Dolla Dolla Hustlers laid it onto the Corzine Express like it was Reinharts first night in Prison, defeating the 2 and 7 Express by 101%.  Maybe 201%, this reporter is REALLY bad at math.  The Corzine Express will at least have company at the “Dump” in week 10 when The Major Title Hunter Chopper Full WElls beat the hell out of the Tom Brady/Earnest Graham/Galloway/Green-less Hustlers.  In fact it looks like it’ll be another freebie week for the league’s other dominant team, Potato Salad.

The Salad Suckers will be pouring something salad or potato related all over The Soft Target with a .773 chance of victory.  The ultimate Karma/Irony would be a Stomping in the favor of one Mr. Minarcik.  Somebody has to teach Potato Salad a lesson, and so far, those somebodys have all come from teams with no hope of a play off berth, and nothing says full of spunk like Jeremy’s team fresh off a win over Prober’s wake-up call to stop drafting for everyone else.  You know what else is full of spunk, don’t you, Jeremy?  Cross your fingers and pucker your point-holes.  This is the game to watch.  Why, because you just saw that sentiment in print, and everything in print is true.  Chris McDevitt has a huge penis, tattoo of Maurice Chevalier on his back, debt piled up on his credit cards.

The Hustlers weren’t the only team doubling their opponents score and then some, the lil fellas of funk, Words are like Bullets managed to drive the One Ring all the way to Mor-score with 133 combined points.Had he played Jamal Lewis in place of WhatyoutalkinboutWillis McGahee, he’d have been THE ALJBS all time high scorer.  If you want this reporter’s advice, I’d send Adrian Peterson a large bouquet of white women if you want even a fraction of those numbers this week.  In fact, just for fun, I’ll lay this out there.  If you beat Miggs this week, not only will all short/hobbit jokes be banished from the upcoming woodshed, I will refer to you as AllDay Peenerson at least three times.  Whaddya say?  

Yes, Virjesus I do believe in Miracles.  Dom’s Full Regalia put the Viagra-soaked AccountedFours into near cardiac arrest with a 40 point Monday Night rally that saw Ben Roethlisberger throw 5 touchdown passes for over 200 yards, leave injured, and come back.  I can’t help but think it karma for the smack Dave talked on Roethlisberger when this reporter first drafted him years ago.  The and/or’s GM, Dave Brag-atelle, was quick to point out that 5 Fantasy Touchdowns had nothing 6 Reality Figure paychecks.  Touche.

Lastly, Potato Salad won again. 70 points of their 95 point victory made up by former Hustlers. You’re going down like Gas Prices in Hell, Justin. Maybe not today, probably not next week,but definitely in weeks 11 or 12, and then hopefully again in week 14 or 15.  Down I say like the winter jacket of the people that Dog the Bounty Hunter disparages. Down down down. Like the 311 song played continuosly on 94.1 since the rock came back. DOWN I SAY!

Factotum for Week 9:

Jeremy had two less points on his bench then he did on his field.  His bench would have beat Prober.

Potato Salad pulled in another ignoble victory this week with double digit performances from the RB Stud of the Week Josepha Addai, and THEIR Place Kicker, Gostkowski.  The Full Regalia failed to beat the meager 67 points put up by their opponent, thanks in large part to two failings, one glaring the other forgivable. Starting Desmond Clark over Owen Daniels, okay, I can let that slide, even if Clark is facing the Bears, they haven’t been themselves lately, I understand.  But fielding the team defense that’s facing the Patriots?  Are you serious?  Are you?  Really?  Have you been paying attention at all this year?  My nigga Brady, threw for three and rushed for two.  He pulled an Angry Daunte Culpepper on your Miamintelligence ass.  You touched him once, you got a fumble, good for you, if not you’d have been -4. Do you want to win, Dominic? Even Jeremy won this week.  Let’s not mention, starting Chester Taylor instead of picking up any available running back out there who was going to get more than 2 points this week.  Enough about Dom and him allowing Justin’s “Rancid Potato Salad” continue to 7-1, let’s look at the other 7-1 team game this week.

Andy-Boy Robertson’s Major Hunters put a damper on Prober’s Never Called it a Comeback 82 point effort to get out of the Fantasy basement despite a Herculean 22 point effort by the Chargers team defense.  Consistency is the name of the game for Andy.  This matchup did nothing to quell the rumor that Fantasy Football games are being predetermined tallest to shortest.

Likewise in the ALJBSFFL we saw The Hustlers pound on the Words are Like Bullets/Stairs are like Mountains team for a 5th straight defeat of the Little Engine that could Breathe Heavy and that’s about it.  At this point it’s Tom Brady vs. Everybody else.  Ahman Green didn’t even bother to play. God do the Hustlers suck at Running Back.  Is Byron still available, perhaps they should pick him up off waivers?
Sunday was not a Funday for Miggs who fell to 3-5 with a depressing 56-65 loss to the Director.  It’s okay though Miggs, with a winning score of 65, I think it’s fair to say you were both losers on Sunday, Bags just took first place. 5 out of 12 teams didn’t break 70 points this week.  How do you people sleep at night (aside from the Footie Pajamas, Peene)?

The Soft Target racked up it’s second win this year, bringing the list of people who should seriously consider cutting off the first joint of their pinky to redeem themselves in the eyes of their ancestors to two. Shane, James.  Chop Chop.

And lastly the Pope of Sandwich Village layeth down some ground rules for Daddy’s Love Children.  Namely, thou shalt be thanked for playing and sent on thy way.  The Commissioner is back at .500 both in Wins, Losses, and Percentage Filipino.

Until Next Week, Something Witty!

Oh Happy Day! Oh Happy Day, Potato Salad has finally lost to All Present and/or Accounted for, as they should have lost to 80% of the league last week.  Potato Salad now finds itself tied with the upwardly mobile Major Title Hunters, (themselves on a 5 game winning streak) and showing no signs of stopping against the 2-5 Don’t Call Em At All’s in Week 8.

Can Justin Defeat Dom’s Full Regalia?  Only time will tell.  I have no predictions, but this is the match to watch this week.  A Santillo Victory will tie the two teams and allow Boy a one game lead going into the home stretch of the season.

It’s crunch time, people, we’re over the hump.

Around the league this week, The Hustlers pulled a victory out over the worst team in the league despite them posting a 2nd place season high of 79 points.  Who hasn’t beaten Jeremy?  Seriously.  Raise your hand.  Whoever that one team is that lost to Jeremy raise your hand.  Now slap yourself in the face.  Feel better?  I do.

The Hustlers are heading into a Week 8 match with their historical whipping boy, Ryan J.usthappytobeplaying Peene.  Peene has not been able to defeat the Hustlers in 4 straight matchups, and does not look to pull it off this week as Words are like Bullets’ experiences a massive Bye Week benching McGahee, D.Bowe, Nick Folk, The Seahawks AND the Cowboys Defense, as well as overtime player Julius “Seizure” Jones.

Speaking of Bye Weeks, in a rare occurence either a Minarcik or a Reinhart is GUARANTEED a victory this week.  One of these basement teams will find themselves at either 2 and 6 or a MIND NUMBING 3-5.  I’m practically tingling with excitement.  No, wait, I just got a text message.  Nevermind.  That wasn’t excitement. It was “vibrate”.

Will you tune in this week to the And/Ors vs. The Comfortable Weapons as they battle for mediocrity?  One of these teams will leave the week at .500, the other at a decimal point to complicated for any but former GM Eppy to understand.  This reporter is rooting for Miggs, solely because the erstwhile GM was shrewd enough to pick up on waivers, every player I offered him in trade, that he declined.  Show some pity, Dave. Last year’s second place is this year’s seventh.  Let a brother eat!

And lastly Daddy’s Love Children vs. Eaton Carpet, Inc.  Yet another fallen mighty facing a dime-store Dick Gregory.  Shane will probably scrape some sort of victory out here, the way Anthony’s ladies scrape out… well you get the idea.  Either way, look for Shane to mount his final stretch tiki-hut-putsch, and for Genovese to return to the “crime” and “secret” family he’s built for himself.

We believe your in L.A. as much as we believe Peene can drive without pedal extenders.

Until next week, F-You San Diego.

If I had to describe this past week’s fantasy football in two words, I’d choose Shit tay.  Hey Tom Brady way to score 4 points less than the REST of the Hustlers combined.  We get it, you can throw the ball, howsabout not throwing it to our opponent’s last remaining receiver.  Show some fucking loyalty, huh? It’s like you think your playing this game to win for the Patriots and not Christopher Michael McDevitt of Phillipsburg, NJ.  Well you’re not, so smarten up.

Frankly at this point all I feel is shame, not just for myself, but for the rest of the league. It’s not that I’m angry that Justin will be getting the $20 bucks for the 3rd time out of 4 weeks, it’s that he’s doing so with a 90.  Potato Salad scored 90 points this week. 106 the first week, 120 the second, 106 the third week, to 90.

90 Points should NOT be the high score in a given week. Ever.  I’m ashamed of all of you, even Justin.  Especially because he’s just going to take that $60 and gain it’s equivalent in pounds, (and I’m not talking about exchanging it for British currency). 

This week was just dreadful.  Andy (3-1) Robertson’s Major Hunters put a 34 point whooping on the Comfortable Assaulters, the fantasy equivalent of the actual damage done to Miggs QB Core this week.  Sticks and Stones may break their bones but a soft wind is going end the careers of Alex Smith and Marc Bulger.  If Bulger’s Insurance plan offers a keeper league he should draft his “wellbeing” right now, because that’s the only way he’s holding on to it.

There may only be two parties here in ALJBSFFL, but there’s currently 4 tiers.  Potato Salad sits atop the food pyramid (much like it does at Daly West) all alone, supported on the backs of Shane, Dom and Andy (Much like they do at Daly West), Followed by the 500 club (we ain’t fundraising for Jesus): All Accountants, Daddy’s Lil Disappointments, and Thomson’s 75 Dollar Hustleds.

That little funclub will be splitting up this week as two members go face-to-face and chin-to-chins in a knockdown dragout, shame your marquee QB and RB are on their bye-week-battle-royale-with-cheese. Seriously, if the Hustlers drop week 5 to Bagatelle, I’ll set the Woodshed on fire myself.  Both teams are looking to decrease their shit-sucked-through-a-straw numbers after starting 2-0 and going 0-2 the past weeks.

Here’s another question for you, how does a man (Shane) have so many Fantasy Rings, and yet barely ever break 90 points?  Is it an early schedule of shitty teams or does Half-Irish luck just put him one or two yards past whatever Genovese/Reinhart concoction he’s defeating that week?  Seriously, as your perusing the records, it might be interesting to see how many times Eaton Carpet faced the Goat of the Week.  83-45 INDEED!

This year’s true wildcard, Don’t Call it A, Why do you Have To Call it Anything? dumped on Dave’s Presenters 82-64.  Now they’re facing Daddy’s Love Children this week. It’s really anybody’s game to lose.  Who is going to start a bye week player?  I’m looking at you Anthony.  I can’t believe Daddy’s Love Children are 2 and 2, but hey when you get Jeremy early in the year anything can happen.  Let’s hope he makes better decisions raising children than he does fielding teams.  48 points, Minarcik?  48 points? Are we talking about My Driver’s License or your TEAM?  Did you pick Reinhart as a Proxy?  How can you score 48 pts?  You had 26 defensive points on your bench. ARGH!  I have no more to say to you.

Predictions:

OTHFAMT Vs. TST -I see no problems for The Major Hunters to steam roll right through The Soft Target this week.

Corzine Express vs. Words are like Bullets?  I gotta go Words are like Bullets here, solely for the fact that the Bullets Bench isn’t made up completely of rookies who aren’t even playing (and Vince Young).

DLC Vs. Don’T Call it a Prober–  I gotta believe that Prober’s skill at picking other people’s teams will some how morph itself into a victory over Anthony.  I’ve been wrong before though.

AWACW vs. DOM -  I think Miggs can put up his second victory of the year up on this 4-1 traveling beast, especially if McNabb throws every TD pass to Kevin Curtis. 

PS..NS vs. ECI -  You can never ever ever count out ECI.  They bring bad luck with them where ever they go.  I think Shane might actually have Kunal’s shrunken head in his pocket or something.  PS…NS has the talent and the history, but Shane’s got the HOODOO.  I go Shane, even if he has to have Mr. Fuji come out and hit Potato Salad’s players in the heads with a Ring Bell individually.

75DH vs. APA/OAF -  You’re going down, Dave.  Cuz if I drop below .500, NO MORE WOODSHED.

After three weeks of Wide Receiver/ Cornerback matchup predictions and only one favorable outcome, ESPN Columnist KC Joyner had his failures listed and pointed out to him on his week 4 column in the comments section by ESPN.COM user, RuWhistle.  Joyner recommends sitting Chris Chambers this week, Andy “Boy” Robertson, the GM on a Hunt for a Major Title, is playing him.  I guess we’ll see who knows more about Fantasy Football come Sunday.  You can place your own bets in the comments, but I’m backing Boy on this one.

Joyner: Top Week 4 Receiver Matchups

What an exciting week in Fake Football.  Only oneplayer remains undefeated in ALJBS, someone’s going down for this INDEED!  Atop the fantasy heap we have Justin Gonorrhea and his Potato Salad.  In a boys state first, everyone can’t wait to DROP SALAD.  Who will it be? I have no idea.  Call it conjecture but I just don’t think Words are like Bullets will get it done. 

Perhaps I’ll have to eat those words, or perhaps Peene should just spare himself a 1-12 season and eat a bullet reminiscent of his words.  Who can say at this point?

What I can say is that Prober finished this week 3 hours and 4 points behind his season best of 66.  Continuing last year’s tradition of basement dwelling for the first half of the season and then trying to ruin the playoffs for everybody else in the second half. What do I mean by that?  Wait and See. Perhaps he’ll be able to make his bones against Peene or Daddy’s Love Children in the upcoming weeks.

Much like you whenever anyone mentions a godawful performance, I think of Anthony Genovese, a man who uses his full name in the “owner” slot, even though this is a by-invitation-only league and everybody knows who he is, unlike his many children.  In a staggering 25 point improvement off his best day, Anfernknee managed to claw girlishly at fellow fantasy fuckup, James Reinhart.  How one man can be so good at life, and so bad at this, we may never know.

Around the league, comeuppances were had by many.  The Director, Monsieur Bagatelle, was indeed brought the game he requested earlier in the week by the Gentile Giant, Andy Boy Robertson.  It appears as if his men are indeed on the Hunt for a Major Title, understand full well, men, understand full well. It was a rather unexpected asswhooping (the best one’s always are) and for posterity’s sake I’d like to mention that Boy was not even on Dave’s radar as a possible competitor as evidenced in this quote below:

“Just wondering if anyone is planning on giving me a game this year….Dom, Migs, Poppa Shane….anyone?!?”

I guess he’ll just have to cry himself to sleep tonight in his giant house that’s worth more than the collective income of the entire league.

Johnathan “Damon” Miggaleddi, finally managed to find the Winner’s circle this week.  No thanks to a WR on his bench who earned 40 useless, useless points.  Good thing you weren’t facing Dom, he uses 40 point backs as tie-breakers.  Of course he uses 40 thread count sheets as ties, with that fat neck of his but what can you do?  Speaking of ShoulderNeck Santillo, he’ll be picking on someone his own size this week, after proving that lil’ Peene is not the Giantkiller he was last year in a 40 point route over Bilbo Braggins.

Last but not least we had, Eaton Carpet, Inc. hitting the floorboards a little too hard this week in a surprise loss to Jeremy Minarcik’s the Soft Target (must be named after his wife’s throat; we all know ole’ Jeremy’s got a temper, he did burn down the SAM house after all).  Enjoy it Jeremy, I don’t see a lot of W’s in your future.  If Wins were Children, Anthony and Jeremy would be in the Superbowl EVERY YEAR.

Until next week, provided I win, I’m Chris McDevitt, Now Get Out Of My Woodshed.

Some of you hate it.  Some of you love it.  All of you know it.  Welcome to the Woodshed.